Loving Yourself, Denial, Alcoholics Anonymous

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Well, I’ve given the blog a autumn overhaul. I’m proud of it. I’ve been dying to get out and take pictures again. I don’t have a real camera anymore, but luckily cell phone cameras are pretty good now. I’ve seen some quirky little cameras that look like they are vintage, but are actually digital. Hopefully there will be room in my budget for such a luxury in the future.

Sippin’ coffee, exercised, fed, and prepped for an awesome day. I’ve done research into paying down my debts today. The thing that I have been procrastinating most is this blog post. I guess that it’s easier for me to write when I am upset; when I am happy I annoy myself the way that I imagine I would annoy other people, no one likes a gloat.

Who wants to have someone else’s joys rubbed in their face… especially if they themselves are going through a hard time? People look to find shared experiences in pain, loss, regret… things that hurt. Certain individuals, with unexplored issues, love hearing about failure of others. People love to hear stories, which can end either happy or sad, but regardless of outcome, must have a low point.

So in this little blog about my life, where now is my low point? Things are much better. So much better, that I feel that I am losing that underachieving feeling. I will have to explore creating a blog that is actually about something rather than just a puke point for my emotions.

I have had the opposite issue until now. I once confided in a friend that I was having a hard time writing about anything, except for my personal life. She suggested that perhaps I just needed to let it all out, sharing that she herself had spent a ton of time writing in her journal, just jiving on her own life story. I feel like I’ve been through it, I’ve lived it, I’ve been as crazy and erratic and irrational as I will ever need to be and now maybe it’s time to set it all down and, first of all, breathe, secondly, stretch, and lastly to start creating new stories that inspire or frighten or enlighten or whatever kind of feeling I decide to try and create.

Is my life getting boring? No, I don’t think it’s that. I like writing about dark, troubled characters. I don’t want to be that character. I don’t feel like underachieving anymore. I feel like being a sober person. I feel like going to work most days, relaxing some days, and being with my loved ones, as well as being involved in my passions, every day.

Wish me luck. I have to say, the largest difference in my state of being has had everything to do with my drinking habits. I never wanted to admit that. When my friends and family would try and help me see that fact, I would argue it away from consciousness. I hope that everyone struggling with alcoholism or any kind of addiction can have the clarity and strength to see through their own delusions and begin to grasp what they are really doing to themselves. I think that is what was the tipping point for me. When other people nag at you to stop doing this or that, it just feels like they are trying to cramp your style. The reality is that, you have to make changes like that for yourself. I realized that I don’t deserve to feel sick every single day. I am blessed with an able body and mind and it is a travesty to not appreciate what has been given to me.

I should have probably called this blog “alcoholics anonymous,” but at the time, there is no way I would have allowed myself to think that was in any way the real problem. I would rather think of myself as an underachiever who loves her Jameson too much.

Well, now I know. On to bigger and better things.It’s been a long journey, and I’m only a couple of weeks in the clear, but now I know. I feel, I understand. I will always be an addict. But now, I really feel all the things, good or bad, that will replace that void left in my life by the absence of that which numbs me so well. Early morning that leave me too tired to stay up late. Music. Coffee. Very important- tea. Lots and lots of green tea. Hopes and dreams. Love. Cookies. Pickles. Homework. Google. Doggie pets. Quiet walks, Ice cream and cake. Candles. Perfume. Amazingly- meditation. The last one was the hardest, but I think the most important.

Good bye, drunk, irresponsible, me. Rest in peace.

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