The last time I visited my blog, I was doing so well in some senses, and not as well in other, more difficult to talk about, senses.
Friends and family are a necessity. “No man is an island,” is an old Japanese saying… I think. We need people around us to reflect off of, and to share in our experience. The people around us are, I think, a combination of what life gives us and who we choose to hang onto.
Sometimes, it can seem like people, who we either happen to be around or choose to be around, cause us problems in life. They can be bad influences. They can cost us money. They talk us into doing things we otherwise wouldn’t. They can hurt us. They can say or do things that make us feel low.
Within every ugly action, I believe, is an earnest, well meant, motivation. I find it hard to pass judgement on these imperfect people; who others claim are bad influences, or are hurtful in some kind of way. It’s not that I won’t say anything to the supposed offenders. I do. I call my loved ones out on things. When my other friends and family get bits and pieces of information, they sometimes draw conclusions. Why do you hang around with him? I think she’s really a bad influence on you. All of those people are crazy.
I recently dated someone who, by what could be seen on the surface, helped me turn my life around. He really held a mirror up to me concerning my alcoholism. Because of him, I have a much firmer handle on this issue and the effect it has on my life. This man encouraged goodness in me, and self control. I saved money, sobered up, and felt better than I had in years.
Unfortunately, said gentleman also had a mighty temper. He was very moody, and prone to snapping at me when he was very tired, which was most of the time. He had a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor which reduced me to tears, probably almost every day. If we both were drinking, we could get into fights that would border on physical violence. To his credit, he stopped drinking around me altogether and encouraged me to be very temperate.
There are other things I could say about him, but I won’t because they are just part of being human, and I have all of my human flaws too. Truthfully, we were on many levels a very bad match.
On the level that worked, the reasons and the feelings and emotions that DID work, felt so amazing. If I could really express how wonderful those parts were, I think anyone would excuse me for trying. The sex was unbelievable. There were times when he held me, and I had never felt so good or safe or warm or contented and happy in my entire life.
I still miss that part of being with him. It’s an awful feeling; the idea that one very abrasive hard to get along with person is capable of giving me all of the intimacy I have ever wanted, however I am not capable of waking up every morning to walking on egg shells and not knowing what I might get into trouble for that day. I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this. It would certainly explain why people in relationships with others who abuse them stay in them, much to the dismay of their friends and family.
So, that is how I ended up with a giant fissure in my contact roster. The friends that my man saw as negative influences in my life did not appreciate being called such. He didn’t mind if I saw them, it was if I went out and drank with them that bothered him. Which I only did once. I stayed out later than I said I would. That was of course my fault. The problem is, he made such an asshole out of himself over it, that he permanently earned himself a place on the “bad boyfriends” list. While it is not good for an alcoholic to go drinking, he acted as though I were spread eagle on the bar, offering myself up to any takers while giving hand jobs with both hands.
After this we split, and then gave it yet another try. This time, I willingly isolated myself, feeling as though I were becoming too committed to a job that was leading me no where. I also was drinking way too much. I was caught in a spiral of emotion driven drinking. Things were tough at work and I would try and drown my cares in vodka at the end of the night. I drunkenly quit my job and ran away.
I ran to this man, and the family he has. They took me in and loved me, and I did my best to love them. A couple of times it seemed like my drinking was an issue, but as the house was full of alcoholics, pill poppers, and pot heads, any criticisms seemed rather hypocritical. Besides, I had straightened up more than I ever had before. For awhile, our relationship was great, but as time wore on, he began isolating me. I would say that I missed my friends, but I hardly ever got to see them. We never went out with anyone. The people there liked me, but he felt uncomfortable with me getting too close to anyone, and the dynamic between myself and them became really strained. At the end, after he made it clear that it was his family and they were there to support HIM and not me, and that he was to control who I was close to and when I would see them, I staged a rather dramatic escape. Even though they all sympathized with me, they had to take his side, and I came out with no friends or family to speak of. I am lucky that I have a few die hard people on my side, because of their help, I am able to start my life, yet again.
I don’t ever want to get married. I just want to buy a condo, get a dog, and have a decent job, decent enough I can send my family money when they need it, and have enough to take a vacation once in awhile.
Through everything, I can say that I am still enrolled in classes, which the end goal of that effort is the whole “decent job” thing. I made all A’s last semester. Thank you, God, for that. I have been dying to go back to school for ages, and it’s so wonderful that is now happening for me.
So, on that, I will focus myself. The dream of a job that makes me a viable member of society. Maybe after that, everything else will fall in accordingly.