Here I am Again on my Own

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Isn’t that how the song title goes?

I have been bouncing back and forth, like a slutty ping pong ball, between the same two men for like… five years now. That’s obnoxious.

I don’t really want to get into the details, but there are codependency issues with all parties involved. On some days it is very hard for me to not hate myself.

I know in my heart that the best possible thing, for me, is to be single right now. I know, in my brain, that I will find someone, someday. It will be down the line when I have grown a bit, that someone will be better suited for me, and at that time I will not regret this decision.

Unfortunately, right now I regret so many things. I miss the comfort, warmth, and security of being in a relationship. I loved, so deeply, both of these men, and I am ashamed of how entangled and complicated our lives all became. I wonder if I made the wrong decision, or if because of my indecision, I threw love away.

However I am sitting in my apartment, back in the city, which is where I want to be. I am doing work I want to do. I am getting myself back in tip-top condition, because I am going to the gym almost every day, and eating a diet of my choosing. I am, in this moment, spending time on writing. These things I cherish, as they are what make me myself. In all of my past relationships, I compromised myself to conform to my lover’s lifestyle, I really feel more and more as I have been aging. Thinking about that makes me glad that I am single. I’ve had enough time to mourn the love lost. It’s time to reach out, and grow into the person that I truly intend to be.

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