4 AM Adulting

My job requires me to be up early. I do have the luxury of choosing just exactly when I get there, as long as that when falls between 6 AM and 8 AM. Unfortunately I am a very nervous type, and feel late if I show up after 6:15.

Also unfortunately, I am a morning person. I generally feel my best and definitely am my most creative before 10 AM. So, if I am to have anytime to myself, I need to get out of bed around 4 AM.

That means I usually get to bed by 8:30, and sometimes I only sleep five or six hours, and I lay in bed trying not to wake my partner up until I can finally be in the main living area of our house. I live with fairly light sleepers, and to be honest even 4 AM is pushing it.

I’ve managed to putter around for almost an hour already. And of course now I feel like I could go back to sleep. This is probably the most boringly mundane thing that I’ve ever written.

Maybe I should go back to bed.

It’s Been Awhile

My wonderful blog! I remember coming here to write, almost every day. Well, for a short time anyways. It was probably when I was my most disciplined.

What happened? Dysfunctional relationships. A whole three chapters of my life has passed since I have been able to regularly keep up on my posts here. I think I am feeling stable enough to come back to this.

A major change is that I’m now on mood stabilizers. It turns out that I’m bipolar. This has been an incredible development. It has taken time, you don’t just get on meds and have a better life with a matter of days. It has taken three years. There were multiple hospitalizations. I had to advocate for myself over and over again. The system here is really bad at caring for people with mental health issues. The first meds I tried were not good. The second ones were better, but still not right. My third prescription is actually working for me, and I’m able to feel stable, happy, creative, and somewhat sexual. It was a rough ride, and it took a lot of forcing myself to be self aware, as well as convincing myself to not give up.

There are plenty of great things that have happened for me over the past three to five years. I’ve been to New York and Amsterdam. I’ve had some bucket list experiences that when I look back on I feel such a thrill. There have been plenty of dark times, too. Some days it is a struggle to keep my mind out of that bad space. My capacity to self sabotage is frightening, and I catch myself off guard and down in a hole from time to time. But I refuse to give up, because all that I can do is continue to pay attention to myself and keep trying to show up. Every day is a new start, and I am not so different than anyone else. I think that the most important thing I’ve learned is to press forward through my mistakes and forgive myself. I have such a tendency to cut and run when I screw up.

There are plenty of positives for me to focus on, and plenty of reasons for me to be excited about my future. I’m working a job that I look forward to going to. There is room and possibility for advancement. I have stable housing, and my relationship with my love interest is on the mend. We should be married late this summer. I can usually place and replace the foundations without too much difficulty. It’s the stuff on top that I have a hard time getting together. I need to write everyday. And I need to get my side projects going again. The extra money from selling stuff on Etsy might only add up to coffees and lunches out, but those little things are so nice and make life so enjoyable.

Well, off to work on a short story… (fingers crossed) Until tomorrow!